Yesterday I was going through my lingerie drawer and appreciating all of the cute & sexy babydolls, chemises, etc that I have in there. A world of satin, silk, lace, velvet, bows and other assorted embellishments created by people at Victoria’s Secret and other companies who wish they were V.S.

And once in a while I do wear something from that drawer just for me. BUT I couldn’t help but ponder how it would be nice to have someone else appreciate it once in a while. IF there was a worthy guy, and IF we’d been together a while and were close enough for me to share something from that drawer with him, he’d be a lucky man. But as of late, there aren’t even any candidates for that role.   ;-(

I would consider myself a lucky lady if I found a good catch

PHASE I: THE MEET. So there was a guy I met while watching March Madness b-ball games with some friends. He actually was a manager at the bar and he kept coming over to where I was sitting to talk to me. I was so engrossed in the game (yes I AM pathetic when my alma mater is playing) that I just took it as him being friendly and at the time I thought he was a bartender and that’s what bartenders do. But all of my girlfriends are like “he is TOTALLY flirting with you” which they said was based on him talking to me more than anyone else, and going out of his way to come over to where I was. So at the end of the night, when I was leaving he yells out “it was nice to meet you!” all the way across the room which did make me blush and laugh because he wasn’t even drinking (since he was working) and that is something more likely to happen when someone is buzzed on alcohol. So at that second, I decided maybe he HAD BEEN flirting with me the whole time. So I planned to come back to that bar in a few weeks to hang out with some friends and do a little recon.

PHASE II: RECON. Cut to 3 Saturdays later, I am with my 5 friends (co-ed group) and we are drinking and playing pool in the downstairs section of the same bar. By the way, this room is actually L-shaped so when you’re in one of the corners you can’t really see the other corner. The bar itself is in the jointed part of the L so only when you’re at the bar can you see everything. Hope that little logistical explanation helps you to understand my fun evening.

All together we were there for 3 hours and during this time I drank 3 Malibu & Diet Coke’s and I was definitely loosened up and ready to talk to the guy. However, each time I went to the bar to order drinks, he wasn’t there (he was either in the upstairs part of the building where the restaurant is or just elsewhere). Plus, this is before I knew he was a manager at the place and all I could tell is that he runs around a lot and therefore is never in the same place for long. Even my friends were in on the “recon assignement” as well, checking for him each time they went to the bar to get drinks. No such luck.

I was beginning to get frustrated at not getting to talk to him even once when he actually comes around the corner, fairly close to our table, moving tables & chairs around. He comes over to our table, looks right at me and says “do you know what song I hate more than this?” (Love Shack was blaring on the jukebox). I said “no, what?”. He just says “nothing”, in a very deadpan way, and thanks to my 3 drinks and thinking he’s prettydamncute, I laugh really loud. Much louder than that small joke warranted. I just smile and he moves on to another table, smiling back.

So now that he has “initiated contact”, I decide it’s time to get in the game. I tell my friends that I am just going up to him the next time he’s within 20 feet of us. In about 10 minutes he is right across the bar, moving things on top of the tables now. I stand up, pretty proud of my gutsy 3-drink-enabled self, and head over to him. The best line I can come up with as I walk up to him is “so what is your favorite song?” with a good smile. He replies “well, I like a lot of music.” And that begins a 10 minute or so discussion of music, how he used to sing & play piano to pay his way through college, also he’s the manager there and he works insane hours, and which sports teams he follows. To which he says to me all of a sudden “I can’t believe I didn’t recognize you without your Cubs hat on?”. <<which to me says that he remembers I was wearing a Cubs hat when I was in there watching basketball 3 weeks before when we talked the first time>> So before we finish talking he says “are you gonna come back here?” and I say “yeah, I think I will.” We both smile, a little bit later my friends & I leave, and I consider Phase II a success

PHASE III: GOING IN ALONE. Because I found out he’s the manager and practically LIVES at the place, and because he didn’t get my number the last time (which didn’t bother me because we’d only really had one short conversation and one longer conversation), I decide that I will go to the restaurant (which is upstairs from the bar) on a weeknight when it will be less busy and maybe he will actually be able to sit down for a few minutes and talk some more. Great plan right? I thought so. So I show up on a random Wednesday a couple weeks or so after the “Recon” night. I eat a really good (surprising for that bar) dinner and the place is pretty dead. At the end of the meal, I still haven’t seen him so I ask my waitress, who seems cool and nice, if he is working. She says “he’s downstairs (at the bar) getting ready for tonight.” Long story short(er) he comes up a few minutes later, sees me at the table, says hey and asks if he can sit down. I consider it a good sign that he is comfortable enough to do that & he obviously wants to hang out for a few minutes which I also consider a good sign.

So he sits down and tells me that he’s really excited because they are starting a new thing on Wed nights with a DJ that is geared at getting the college crowd in. So that’s what she meant when the waitress said “getting ready for tonight”. I thought this would be just a slow, boring night for him but instead he has lots to do. Again. I’m also enjoying listening to him talk about this idea because he came up with it and he’s pretty proud of it. Then he has to go and asks if I’m gonna go downstairs and have a drink to hang out for a bit. Which I reluctantly decide to do (because I know I will be sitting at the bar, he’ll be running around like a chicken with his head cut off and I will learn nothing about him).  That is exactly what happens but I also make buddies with the waitress (who is now off work and drinking) and her boyfriend who are chilling out with me and at least giving me someone to talk to. The guy comes past us every so often, in sorting of a “checking in on me” capacity to I guess make sure I’m not bored to tears sitting there when I don’t know any of these people. Half an hour later, nothing has changed and I am tired disappointed so I head out. He’s actually at the door when I leave and says “I’ll see you later.” I’m thinking later, when? since you don’t have my number and clearly I’m not making any forward progress. So I would chalk PHASE III into the not a success, but not a disaster category.

PHASE IV: My Cameron Diaz/Reese Witherspoon/Julia Roberts moment. Just to get you up to speed Phase I-III took from end of March-mid-May. Then I traveled for a few weekends which brought me to mid- June. At this point, I’m still thinking the guy as someone cute, nice, interesting and funny. All the makings of a potential date or even someone cool to hang out with (especially to listen to bands, etc) because we both love music. The only issue was that the only way to see him (until one of us had the other’s phone number) was to go where he worked. So my Phase IV was on a WHOLE other level. I figured if it actually took a few months to get from the meet to a couple 15-minute conversations how was I ever gonna find out whether this guy might be interested.

So I’m sitting at home on a Sat afternoon with some plans later that evening to hang out with some friends around 9. Which means I could do a quick drop-in at a certain bar at 8:30 to make a cameo appearance and chat with the guy for 2 minutes. Which I then changed to writing him a short note (2 sentences) with my number at the bottom saying if he wants to grab a beer sometime to let me know. HOLY CRAP! NEVER have I done anything like that before. In my life I have only ever asked out one guy. Every other time a guy got my number was because he asked for it.

Cut to me parking my car and walking into the place with the note folded in my hand. My plan was to see him, and hopefully he would be busy so that I could just hand it to him and head on my merry way, avoiding as much awkwardness as I could. Looking as fabulous as possible, I walk in and don’t see him so I ask the hostess at the door if he’s working. She says yes but apparently he’s downstairs (in bar area) handling a private party that’s going on. I say “no problem, I can stop by another time.” So I turn and casually head for the door. When I get about two feet from the door, she yells (YES YELLS!) “Hey! There he is!” At that point while I’m turning around, everyone in the restaurant is staring at me, and from across the room he says “Hey.” I don’t think it’s possible to describe how embarrassed I was at that exact moment AND although I didn’t have a mirror I’m guessing my face was a shade resembling deep crimson.

I do my best to pull it together and walk over towards him while he’s walking toward me. He says “hey” again and I smile and say “I just wanted to drop something off, I’m meeting some friends.” (the intention was to be casual as opposed to stalker-ish AND to make a fast getaway before he reads the note. Because unfortunately instead of him being busy and me just handing him the note and getting out of there ALL his attention is now on me). So he replies “ok, what is it?” WOW! I was NOT ready for that question. My recovery is “it’s just something that you can read later.” I’m already starting to leave at that point and he just says “Ok, I’ll see you later.” So I smile, reply back the same and walk out the door (without tripping). Also, I am INSANELY proud of myself for being ballsy enough to pull this off.

And as I’m walking to my car, I figure at least this will give me a verdict on “bar guy”. He’s either interested in me or he’s not. And if he’s not, it will be his loss and I will at least know and stop thinking about it anymore. Also, one more milestone in my learning-to-navigate-today’s-dating-world. Go me!

I have become good friends with a certain guy. We have really great in-depth talks about very personal stuff and because of this I know that we both trust each other. Anyway, we’ve known each other about 8 months and it’s always been a friends thing. We flirt a little but not really more than we do with anybody else in the same situation (no groping or accidentally blatantly touching the person in order to elicit/gauge a response). And before you ask there are about 20 reasons why we could never be in a relationship together so the friends thing is perfect.

This guy is pretty cute and I would definitely kiss him if we were at some party drinking a lot and the opportunity presented itself. I’m pretty sure he feels the same based on things that he says/alludes to (about thinking I’m cute, etc). Plus neither of us has been kissed in a while and we’ve even had the discussion about how much that sucks.

So the combination of me being able to trust him, have REAL talks with him (the kind that last 3 hours), us both being un-attached right now, and of finding him fairly attractive makes him a prime candidate for a FWB (Friend With Benefits). Not let me clarify, for me the FWB concept has always been fairly elusive because usually one of 2 things happens:

1) one of the people in the no-strings-attached setup becomes attached and wants it to be more

2) one or both of the people finds someone they actually want to date (as opposed to just hook-up with occasionally) and the “agreement” comes to an end

It has worked for me once and only for about 4 months but it was convenient and comforting and simple (all of the things that FWB is designed to be). In my case, there was no sex but plenty of messing around and lots of fun had by both parties. Also, it ended in a completely mutual way because we both met someone at the same time. Nice, huh?

So, now that I’ve been single for a while and haven’t found any guys I want to go on more than 2 dates with-I’ve decided I’m in the perfect timeframe & mindset for an FWB arrangement. I know that sounds very business-like but truthfully the FWB setup is very business-like, at least in principle. It’s just difficult to find a perfect candidate for the arrangement.

So since I found a prime candidate and I’m ready for this, I have been coming to terms with exactly how I have the conversation with him. Finally I just had a couple drinks at a party and decided to go for it but then there was never a chance for us to talk alone. Flash-forward to last week and he sends me a text message (don’t you love technology these days-we can completely avoid human contact if we want) about how crappy his week has been, how he has to miss a small get-together which I was having at my house that night and how he is in need of one of our getting together to talk nights. A lightbulb flashes in my head about how this is my perfect opportunity so I actually get the guts to write the following message back to him:

     I really hope your week gets better. By the way I was thinking that since we usually get together and talk-how about you come over and we don’t talk. 

Yes I did actually hit send-although it took me about 30 seconds to get complete control/agreement between my brain and my thumb to hit the “send” button on the phone. So luckily, I had a lot going on that night and I wouldn’t be sitting there agonizing over what he was thinking and more importantly what his response would be.

 So in less than half an hour, he sends back a message…wait for it…

     My friend, you underestimate my love of talking

I hope you guys are enjoying this moment (living vicariously through another person’s funny life moments via their blog postings). Anyway, I am now left with 2 choices:

-I can assume that his response means he does not want to make out with me

OR

-I can assume that he really doesn’t get that I meant “messing around” when I said “not talk” as opposed to just chilling and enjoying each other’s company in a platonic way just without talking

I haven’t talked to him since then so I am choosing to gauge his demeanor the next time I see him. Yes I am a bit of a chicken.

I just got back from a 5-day trip back to my hometown where I got to spend a lot of time with all my relatives that I don’t get to see very often. I love them-my family really is a great one. Every year you hear horror stories about people having to go home for the holidays but I love it! They are very sweet and they would all do anything for each other.

Anyway, after 5 days of being the only single person and every cousin, aunt and uncle saying either ”I know there is someone out there for you” OR ”the problem is you’re too great and the guys are all intimidated…too smart, too funny, too cute. Guys are scared.” OR  “I can’t believe there are no nice guys left. They have to be somewhere…why haven’t they snatched you up?” I started to think EXACTLY. What have I been saying for several months now? I either can’t find available guys OR the available guys are either not into me or I’m not into them.

Anyway, I usually don’t feel lonely because I have so many great friends but when it’s one of those snowy winter evenings that are just perfect for snuggling on the couch under a blanket; sometimes it sucks to be under the blanket alone. But as far as I can tell I am doing the best I can. I try to go out as much as possible with friends so that I am circulating (to dinner, book store, movies, bars, sporting events, etc). I make sure I look as cute as possible when I’m “out there” and when I meet new people I just act like myself. I don’t know anything else to do. Hopefully this plan works eventually. If anyone has a better idea I’m interested.

So going home was a nice way to be reminded of what a great catch I am and who knows maybe in 2008 someone nice and worthy will be fishing in this pond…

So, New Year’s Eve is about 2 1/2 weeks away and I can’t help but reminisce on past New Year’s Eves and just the romanticized ideal surrounding NYE. First of all if you’re in a relationship, you can do several things on NYE: go out to a bar/club, go to a party (small private one or huge at-a-major-hotel one), or just stay in and do your own thing. You could even do a combination of these things (go out early, then get home before midnight). 

However, if you are single, this one specific evening of Dec 31st (and all the history, sentimentality surrounding it) presents several obstacles/issues/opportunities depending upon how you look at it. First, there are lots of parties which means if you spiff yourself up and go somewhere where you can mingle-you will definitely meet new people and you might even meet a potential future date. Of the options, the most competitive/most difficult place to meet someone new on NYE is probably at a dance bar/club. I only say this because the dance bar/club scene is always a bit like a meat market (even if some markets are a bit cleaner/nicer than others). Also, it will be the loudest and possibly the drunkest of any of the NYE options which means the chances of having a decent conversation are slim (and of course there will be tons of people there just wanting to hook-up).

The next best option is probably a smaller bar/neighborhood bar/karaoke bar because it has less of the meat-market atmosphere and more of the relaxed feel. This more relaxed atmosphere aids in trying to go up and talk to someone you don’t know. Also, the fact that it’s NYE means there might even be some new and different people there (in case it’s a place where the same group usually hangs out). Also the festive NYE atmosphere will  give people more of a friendly air as far as just using “Happy New Year!” as your way-to-start-talking line.

The third option is the private party (small or large). The larger scale party at a hotel, etc where most people buy advance tickets is definitely a couple zone so there are probably less options (as far as new people to meet) for single people at one of those. The last time I went to one of these parties it was a great time but we had a group of about 8 couples who had known each other a long time so it was a bit of a fun party atmosphere with less hassle than going to a bar which was why we did it. If I had been single at the time, it still would’ve been fun but not as far as meeting “potentials”.

The smaller-scale private party (like at someone’s house or an apt/condo clubhouse) is the trickiest of all options. The reason I say this is because it all depends on who is there. In some ways, this can be the best way to meet a new potential future date because since it is smaller and more private you are forced to talk to people you don’t know (just because you’re being friendly). However, if you end up at one of these parties with 20 couples and you it will be like a scene from Bridget Jones’ Diary. Everyone asks you who you’re with-you have to respond “no one” and the cycle continues throughout the evening until you are drunk enough to need a cab In a much less dramatic scenario, it’s possible that the party will be a mix of couples and non-couples which might be good because couples are usually looking out of their single friends. By that I mean that they want their single nice friends to meet other single nice people. So if the party is given by a couple that you like, chances are they will have some interesting prospects there to at least talk to (even if they don’t end up being perfect for you).

Aside from the New Year’s Eve options for venues, there is a decent amount of pressure put on this evening. When you’re single, it of course means that you don’t have an automatic shoo-in for the “who-to-kiss-at-midnight” candidate. People with a spouse or a significant other at least have this already taken care of ;-)  Now, depending upon how flirtatious you are, maybe you will simply become very friendly when the clock strikes and just start kissing whomever is closest that strikes your fancy. Sometimes I wish I could be that girl just once. If not, then you have to force yourself to not dwell on the “kissing at midnight” thing. Otherwise, you will spend the whole evening working on either 

a) devising a worthy candidate OR                                                                                               

b) avoiding someone who has chosen you as their candidate             

A third option is that you could line up a friend of the opposite sex and that way the two of you can have a good evening without thinking about the silliness & pressure of the midnight kiss. So at midnight you find each other, do the “pop-kiss” or whatever and then you can get back to enjoying NYE without that crap hanging over your head.

The real trick about NYE to me is just to have fun. I prefer to look fabulous (even if the required attire isn’t formal you can still make black pants and a shiny top look amazing with a bit more casual shoes) on NYE because it’s the one night most people try to kick it up a notch when it comes to appearance.  Also, as a single person you have to try NOT to put so much pressure on yourself of either meeting someone before NYE (so that you’ll have a date) or of meeting someone on NYE if you didn’t get a date before-hand. Ignore the kissing at midnight thing and just enjoy yourself (with dancing, drinking, conversation, etc: whatever your idea of fun is). Forget the “romance” associated with the night and just enjoy meeting new people-even if they end up being people you can go hiking with, get coffee with, etc (instead of mate for life with)-the experience will still be worth it.

The past two years I have actually stayed at home for NYE because both times I was leaving for a big trip the next day so I was packing, conserving energy, etc. And this year I live in a new place with a new set of friends that I’ve developed in the past 9 months so I’m pretty excited for this NYE. I actually have a few entertainment options this year so I may have the chance to experience a big party, a small party and a smallish bar all in the same night. If so, I will try to remember to do a bit of research (in between cocktails) since NYE is such a great setting for a sociology experiment & then I’ll report back on my experiences

So in my adult life, there has only been one person that I had a relationship with for several years (all the others were 2 yrs or less). When we finally ended the relationship it was amicable and mutual. Most people that I know cannot believe how drama-free our break-up was. It’s just that there was no spark left-nothing left to work for/save. We are simply not “the one” for each other. I am still friends with this person even though I never see him. We talk on the phone every few months and it’s usually just a “how’s it going/update on each other’s life” talk. The same kind of talk I have with other old friends that live far away.

And because I am going through this really philosophical phase of my life-which means that I think about what I’ve learned from life so far and what I should be working toward, etc.-inevitably it leads me to think about past relationships. When I think about past relationships and what I’ve learned, because of the amount of years I spent with this person, I know that I learned more about myself (and more about relationships in general) during that time than in any other time of my life. So the other night we are talking on the phone very casually and all of a sudden I started talking about our relationship and what we both learned from it. It turns out that we both learned the same kinds of things: what we really needed from a relationship and that “we” as a couple were not going to work long-term.

So this was a pretty eye-opening conversation because I guess I know that I am overly-analytical and probably too self-aware (so I have known this for some time about our relationship) but I didn’t realize that he had finally figured it out as well. What took me a long time and I was never able to pinpoint specifically was why did it take so long for the two of us to figure out that we weren’t going to work. This is what we talked about the other night on the phone. Mostly because I think neither of us wants to repeat this scenario in another relationship (where you spend years of your life determining that you aren’t going to work with a certain person).

After having a very pleasant conversation about how we don’t regret any of the time we spent together because of all the fun we had and all the experiences we shared, we came to a conclusion about the “why did it take so long?” question. The conclusion is that we didn’t spend enough time of our relationship alone as a couple. We worked different schedules so it was challenging to get “together time” and when we did have together time (mostly weekends)-we were always with other people. This was our early 20’s so maybe it’s just because we had a large group of people and we went out a lot. We didn’t live together so we didn’t have every morning and every night together like some couples do regardless of the work schedule. So because of all these reasons, it took us a very long time to develop real intimacy (emotional intimacy-real, true connectedness as a couple).

So what have I learned from this philosophical relationship flashback:                      

-that I have no regrets (I pretty much already knew that but I re-confirmed it)    

-that living with someone is critical to really testing your coupleness       

-that relationships are hard enough (just because of how different people are, the fact that people change, etc) so without a very strong foundation built on true emotional intimacy (which to me comes from LOTS of communication and LOTS of really getting to know how the other person thinks/feels) they will crumble

So before this week I had closure regarding knowing I wasn’t meant to be with this person. Now I have closure as to how not to repeat my mistake (of choosing/staying with the wrong person). I have learned a helluva lot this week!

So once in a while you meet someone who has an effect on you. By that I mean that whenever they are around, you feel a little bit different. This recently happened to me. I actually met this guy several months ago through my group of friends (he would be with the group every so often). We always had these really good conversations because we are both major audiophiles (music-lovers/music-obsessed) and that’s really all it was: good conversations. Well time passed and in certain situations I felt like I was getting a vibe from him. Like maybe he was flirting instead of just talking. I didn’t really know what to think because he is pretty cute but from the time we’d met I never really thought of him like that.

But then all of a sudden I started noticing little things like I really love his deep voice. I also love his eyes and his witty sense of humor. He is very smart and he celebrates his semi-dorkyness (as do I) so I have a lot of respect for that. Even though we’ve only known each other a few months, we just seem to have this natural connection and ease around each other (like it’s just comfortable). He also has one of those laughs that’s very genuine so when you hear it you have to laugh too.

Based on all of this, I have determined that I am officially infatuated now.  It’s very high school. In other words, if I know he’s going to be somewhere I pay extra-special attention to my outfit, hair, etc. Also, I smile whenever someone talks about him. Last weekend I had a Halloween Party and there was loud music playing and he came up to me to ask me something. First of all, he was looking as good as he ever has and because of the loud music he had to stand very close to me to speak. I know that I had to have been blushing when this happened and whatever he said I know that I was giggling so if that isn’t high school I don’t know what is.

The funny thing is that this has never happened to me before with someone I was good friends with. Usually there is a vibe from the beginning but this one was more like an ember I guess which progressed to a flicker and then to a spark. And the spark is definitely burning now. So we’ll see if anything comes of it or if I chalk it up to the fact that we are only ever going to be friends and I just have to forget about it.

So it has been a LONG time since I was dating someone casually and had to break it off. In fact, it’s been several years, as in maybe before college. Because since then it has either been a serious boyfriend or if I was casually dating, that guy was the one breaking it off with me.

So, let’s take both examples: in the case of a serious boyfriend, if you’re together for a long time and you start to grow apart, the chances are that both sides are feeling the gradual separation even if only one of you has the guts to finally have the talk. It turns out that I am a really honest person so to me it isn’t fair to stay with someone if you’ve gotten to the point where nothing much is left except the comfortable-ness of having been together a while. Comfort is just not enough (at least for me). So in these cases, I would put together in my head what I thought was the primary reason for it being over and then get the guts up to have “the talk” with the boyfriend. I always have this talk in person and in a few cases the guy seems to be relieved as in “I’m really glad she did it so I didn’t have to”. In other cases, the guy seems to have been a bit disappointed even if he did agree that it was the best thing. Even when I’m breaking up with someone I still feel disappointed in the let-down of it not working out.  If you don’t at least feel like “that’s really too bad it didn’t work out”, then maybe you shouldn’t have been together to begin with. Anyway, then I ususally go through a short reassessment period figuring out what I learned from that relationship about what I need and want from a partner. Like I said before, I am in some cases TOO self-aware and introspective.

The second example would be the casual dating scenario. Where you’ve maybe gone out a few times with someone but neither of you are hooked yet and you’re still just getting to know each other to see if there’s something there to keep it going. In all the situations I’ve been in like this since high school, the guy simply stopped talking to me. They apparently didn’t have enough maturity to have “the talk” or they thought that since we weren’t serious our casual spending time together (a few dates & however many phone calls) didn’t warrant even having “the talk”. Maybe because I was always mature for my age did I even at 22 think this was a gutless move. I just think if you’re an adult you should just be able to say “I don’t see this going anywhere, I met someone else, …” whatever. If you think the other person is more attached than you are, you could make up something that will hurt their feelings the least. It’s not an easy conversation, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have it anyway. It’s called behaving as an adult.

Now this brings me to the present. I had been talking to a guy for about a month and we had gone on 2 dates (it could’ve been more but since we were both traveling for work so much the schedules didn’t exactly gel). Both of the dates were nice, even fun and I really enjoyed having conversations with this guy. It was like I just felt at ease with him and I believe that he felt the same. The problem is that eventually I realized that there just wasn’t a spark there and I figured if there wasn’t one by now, there wouldn’t be in the future either. I actually wanted there to be a spark but that isn’t the kind of thing you can force (see my post called “chemicals, glorious chemicals…or should I just call them hormones?” if you want my take on attraction). So I come to terms with the fact that I have to have “the talk” and I don’t even remember the last time I had to have a talk like this. Like I said it has been years.

So I call him up and tell exactly what I’m thinking: that if there was going to be a vibe then it would’ve shown up by now. Also I tell him that he’s a great guy and if I meet any other single ladies who are looking I will send them his way. He genuinely thanks me and also says that he’s glad we met and hopefully we can still hangout sometime (because we still know a lot of the same people). The whole thing was very smooth and painless. I was glad there was no awkwardness because of the exact reaosn that we will see each other again when we’re out and about because of the whole “knowing lots of the same people” thing. Also it sucks when you’re the one initiating the talk because you want to end it but you don’t want to be rude (just to get the point across) or patronizing (like saying how great they are in a really fake way). The in-between of these two extremes really is a VERY fine line.

After I hung up the phone, I was relieved and happy and I felt proud. Proud that I did the hard thing before we kept dating and it drug on and it would’ve just been harder to do.  Also I thought back to being very young (high school) or even early college and all the tough talks I had the guts to have. I figured that because I always felt like I had done the right thing (which is always the harder thing to do) regarding relationships and how I treated people, that I MUST have earned me some karma points. I cashed in a few in that night on the phone with a painless, easy conversation which I had over-analyzed and thought about for 2 days on end. Sometimes life just works out

I hope that I am not the only single woman to have this problem. But for whatever reason, all the men that I enjoy having intelligent conversations with I am NOT attracted to. And of course all the men I find attractive either are incapable of intelligent conversation OR we simply don’t have any shared interests to discuss. WHY does it have to be SO complicated?

There was a time in my life when I met intelligent, funny guys who were pretty cute. I’m pretty sure all these guys are married now. Maybe to women cooler than me, maybe not. It doesn’t matter because they are no longer on the market, which reduces the number of intelligent, funny guys on the market. And this also explains the even smaller percentage of intelligent, funny, moderately-attractive guys on the market. The fact is that nowadays I am almost not attracted to a guy unless I’m also attracted to his brain. It takes a smart guy to be witty and I am ALL about witty. Add in nice eyes and a good smile, SOLD! I keep reading these statistics about how there are more never-married guys over the age of 30 than at any other time in history. The question is how many of them are intelligent, funny and not at all bad to look at?

Hormones are a funny thing. First of all, you can’t control who you are attracted to. Lucky for me, I learned in high school not to let hormones make any decisions regarding a relationship (to have one or not) but they always narrow down your choices of people. In other words, you can be attracted to someone who is an ass and choose not to become involved with that person; BUT if you’re not attracted to someone at all, you can’t force yourself to be.

I suppose this is a good and bad thing. Chemicals are strong and when you feel a gravitational pull towards another body, it takes some real self-control (especially if you’re lonely at the time) to decide to walk/run/drive away before making what your rational brain would say is a mistake. I have been in this situation and chosen the flight method, and 90% of the time in hindsight I was still happy with my decision to have avoided the temporary fun in order to avoid the longer-term disaster. I have also at times enjoyed the temporary fun (not the kind of fun where you can get pregnant but fun nonetheless)  if I knew there was no chance of me becoming attached. I was also happy with those decisions later on.

I have gone through phases of my life when I either could only find people I was attracted to who were a bad idea OR guys who were perfect boyfriend candidates but I had no attraction to them whatsoever. So then you think maybe I’ll try the better guy and down the road I will become attracted to him. This does not work. If there is zero spark or connection, chances are there won’t be 6 months later. However, I have met someone who I connected with on some level but didn’t necessarily have the urge to throw down on the floor and attack. Then after spending more time together, and getting to know them better, you actually become more attracted to the overall package. BUT there had to be at least be something there in the beginning.

My friend describes this on a scale: for example I met a guy who before talking to him I would’ve said was a 6 (on an attraction scale of 1-10) but after getting to know him and realizing how nice he is/how much fun you have together, etc he becomes an 8 or even a 9. So there is hope for nice guys everywhere (as long as you start with a decent connection). Most of my married friends (and ALL the ones who are happily married) are with a guy that they didn’t necessarily want to jump the minute they saw him. I’m pretty sure that falling for someone over a longer period of time is actually what happens in the best relationships. And the ones that last.